Tag Archives: Political Satire

Malflic for President – let the smut filled odyssey begin with a dash of humor and truth

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Malflic for President - Election 2012Malflic for President – let the smut filled odyssey begin with a dash of humor and truth.

(note I’ll add the Video once its done)

Do I think politics is a joke? Well my fellow American’s I believe anything that comes out of Washington is grounded in exactly as much reality as the bible. In short since I personally believe the bible or any religious publication for that matter to be a document that belongs in the fiction section of the local mega book store yes I think our government is a joke just watch and you’ll find more childish pranks than on south park, the little rascals and the three stooges combined except it’s not funny.  American politics has more lost lovers, two timing swindlers and back room deals than a Shakespearian tragedy, more deception and staged drama than a soap opera, it is as openly honest as an infomercial claim, and on the upside it is fueled by more hookers and drugs than Charlie Sheen could ever imagine.  Assuming you’re into to that kind of thing of course.  The music behind this video portion of this post says it all, its show do you think these power hungry fuck wads really do blow and fuck prostitutes to this kind of music?  God I hope not. If they do we are in far more trouble than it seems.   It is a joke but putting aside my sarcastic tone and mockery for just a few seconds unlike the government allow me to tell you a real story.

Last night while putting my 12 year old daughter Lilly to bed we were discussing things that might seem odd.  She is studying Joseph Stalin and the rise of communism in history class. I held back the urge to shout out the communist bastards type statements that were acceptable in mixed company during my youth.  Everyone has enemies when I grew up it was the ruskies. W had the “Evil Doers” our current leader the actual economics facts.    Then she went on to tell me how they are analyzing political cartoons in her special program and discussing the meaning messages and political influence. “Special needs” just for the record is what they call anyone who doesn’t fit the “average” mold the system created whether it is due to academic challenges and learning disabilities or an above average intelligence.   More on this one at another time.   She was telling me in an appalled tone about how the communists would simply take people away who had a dissenting opinion, anyone who spoke out against the government would just be taken away.  Sadly I looked at her and said “you know you can never trust your government either.” It was not the first time she heard those words from me and then I went on to retell the story if her many of her ancestors that fled Poland and Prussia because of the belief in their own kings and countries sovereignty and to avoid dying in a Russian Czar’s army.  I reminded her that on her grand mother’s side a small portion of the blood in her veins was from the Iroquois Nation and what our beloved and benevolent government did to the Indians .  I will admit that I am American by birth and Polish by heritage on my father’s side so unlike what they want us to believe that we are all American and only American I think it is a disservice to deny that lineage.  From there we discussed the different political climates and economic systems.  You see I never had “normal” conversations with her or my 17 year old Diva for that matter.  Sure when they were little we read stories and went to princesses on ice but from the time they were born we also talked about very adult things like art, books, politics, business, and even religion.  Eventually I looked up at her and asked in an almost ashamed manner “you know by most people’s standards I’m a radical?”  She smiled coyly and offered me very sage wisdom for a 12 year old “anyone who questions anything and thinks is.”

This morning over a bowl of obscenely sugared, unnaturally colored corporate cereal and organic milk I instantly formed and then asked my exploratory committee what their opinions were of me running for the white house?   Lilly I think agreed because she was laughing as I pontificated about finding a picture of a man with a suit coat but no pants to use in this post.  Diva was neutral on the idea and seemed more concerned about whether this would improve or hurt her chances at scholarship money for college, the blonde just stated that she was glad I was taking Lilly to school and that she “wouldn’t have to be trapped in the car with my crazy ass”.

So with that I’d like to not only announce my plan to seek the office of the president of the united stated but also share my campaign finances with you…I have 4 dollars in my pocket all of which is mine and was earned by me from my employer.  It is of course a net sum after I have paid federal, state and local taxes including personal property on which I had already paid sales taxes on.   I have not and will not take any other outside money. Gifts of Pizza, strippers, and alcohol will also be declined but thanks for the thought.  I dare you to ask any other candidates for exactly where their campaign contributions came from and in what amounts.

Here is my voting record

In the 1988 Presidential Election I voted for George H.W. Bush. It was like having sex the first my time…things weren’t exactly clear and may not have gone quite right but more or less I did it.  In my defense it was the 80’s I was young and a groomed but natural bush was still very much in vogue. It was time when straight guys didn’t shave their backs let alone their balls

In 1992 I voted for Frank Zappa in the Primary and the presidential election. I was devastated by his loss and more so by his death which led me to name my eldest Diva, her middle name is Page so wanna guess what the influence was there?

In the 1996 Primary I voted for Ozzy and if memory serves I wrote in a combination of Elvis and Frank Zappa for so many categories but think Zappa got my vote for president.

In the 2000 primary I voted for “Bubba” as a write in on the republican ballot just for kicks. As a point of fact during that election I did not vote for Bill Clinton I literally voted for “bubba” who I perceive as the beer swilling, questionably dressed everyman type of guy, sadly he lost to W.

In college while on student government I voted to fund Greek week and to support the cost over runs required to bring in one of David Letterman’s writers as a guest lecturer.  I voted for myself to be a two term president of my fraternity and after that acted as the recruitment director for a semester.  Yes I was a Greek letter wearing sorority girl fucking kind of guy…when it wasn’t ski season.   Often I could be found voting on which quarter draft night to attend and on occasion other important matters such as how much vodka does it take to fill a bath tub all while extolling the virtures of grain alcohol mixed with kool aid.

With that I’ll invite you to visit me on my soon to be erect presidential campaign website where I’ll really tackle the issues of unemployment, pasties and T backs vs G strings, campaign finance reform, using rechargeable eco and vegan friendly sex toys, the geo political opinions of other nations and their impact on us, my reluctant affinity for the Canadian ballet, why everything every major party politician is saying is a lie, the possibility of introducing the eastern concept of green tea to the tea party to pimp out their Zen, the dangers of corporate farming and GMO based crops, and of course my long standing opinions on the concept of pants being optional in all situations.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to switch my browser from fetish based web porn and the perversion that is the stock market in order to find, design and order custom made Mexican style wrestling masks for my entire family so like all political candidates I can exploit them at upcoming outings and videos but like spider man protect their identity from their enemies and an unsympathetic American public.  But mostly really it’s just to protect them from Supervillains.

Politically conservative, morally liberal and fun at parties vote Malflic in 2012.

Disclaimer; This is not a real political ad, although I can’t fuck things up much worse than they already are.  If you chose to write Malflic on an actual ballot you do so at your own risk and understand that will most likely you will be ridiculed by your friends or imprisonment and put to death by your own government.

A secretly passed and recently enacted federal statue states that just by listening to or reading this drivel you are now required to register yourself as an “official enemy” of the state at the nearest political intervention station and purchase and immediately affix a bumper stick to your car that states as much. It may read either enemy of the state or be one of those Darwin fish, a rainbow sticker will also suffice.  Once we know you have register of course we will send you a secret decoder ring , teach you our super secret hand shake and provide you with a 101 screaming sluts of our choosing.  So take that you fundamentalist assholes.  God Save the Queen.   Wait that’s not right.  Now go piss off.

Happy Erection Day once again, well not really happy but it is erection day

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I Voted StickerAnother dose of my political satire…blah, blah blasphemy, blah, blah, mockery, bah, bah, black sheep.  Just a little Freedom of Speech and a reminder that according to the Nuns I’ve been going to hell since the second grade.

Yep that’s right its erection day and being the jaded anti establishment cynic that I am let’s take a look at the options.  Keep voting for career liars on both sides of the aisle or tell them to fuck off.   Here’s a novel idea let’s all vote for the people we lost our virginity to.   After all in my case I’m sure Julie has done quite well with her huge sexy trust fund and well to do daddy lawyer.   Oh wait actually I’d be surprised if she’s now not part of the problem so make that let’s vote for the first really slutty person we had intercourse with who is not currently married to a political type, lobbyist,  lawyer, or crossing state lines to fuck a governor .   Ok I’ll admit it Ashley DuPree is the hottest woman I’ve seen in Playboy in recent memory so who can blame Spitzer I’d have flown her to Budapest if she wanted.  After all if we’re going to keep getting screwed shouldn’t it be by a person we enjoy getting fucked by.   And BTW if you are old enough to buy alcohol but haven’t lost your virginity you shouldn’t be allowed to vote since you apparently know very little about living anyhow.

Yes I know my vote out who ever is in position will anger McCain (and a lot of other career politico’s) who I saw pleading on TV a while back for his job since he’s been a good elected official for the last 4 million years.   Asshole that’s the problem no matter whether I agree with you or not career politicians are bad news.  Lucky for you I’m not in your state. Doubt me? Look around at who your choices are and find an election without a long I’ve held every office I could get elected to since grade school type in it.

Let’s look at my view point one more time as a reminder, I despise stupid rules, want to keep my own money and not pay for other folks short comings (education and military issues aside), I think we should fight wars to win (cheap oil and free parking in the middle east anyone?) world opinion be damned, and just when you had me pegged as a right winger I’d like to remind you I’m very pro gay marriage it’s not a legislative issue if your church is against it then fine but the gov’t shouldn’t even be involved, think small family and organic farmers should not be put at a disadvantage by big farmer gov’t subsidy (I bought my first food co op membership in the early 90’s before it was trendy), think alternative energy is an absolute  necessity, and carry my own re-useable bags to the store and mine were actually made by my “I swear I’m not a hippie” mother out of left over fabric ironically from her church quilting group so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.  Unless of course you’re looking to get high then well you might want to choose something else.  Should pot be legal? Based on the Zombies in downtown Denver this spring I’m a little afraid of that one.

In all seriousness when I voted this morning there were more than 10 people running unopposed. Granted all but one were judges but did this country turn into communist China?  Is the Wall Street Journal now Provda?  That’s not a dig on Obama since every single candidate running unopposed sported an elephant symbol.  It’s a dig on the American people how can we not have someone to run against them in major election as a choice.

Is our country divided? Absolutely! The issue is not that we are divided but that so many of us push our own agenda’s as the one true way and we are all so intolerant of other ideas and life styles.  After all I’m a prime offender with my own anti religious sentiments.  The term moral majority and religious right make me tremble.  Other than Buddhists, Hindu, Pagans and Wiccans when religion comes up I run the other way.  Then again I’ve never been accosted at a party by a militant Buddhist pushing his religious agenda at me while discussing killing Bambie.  No not a hooker named Bambie whose corpse was in his the trunk of his Camero but the wildlife kind that was hanging proudly from his kid’s Disney princesses’ basketball hoop for the world to see. I have however been confronted by an angry vegetarian about my penchant for hot wings as Tabasco and blue cheese dressing ran down my chin. Meat may be murder but I have sharp teeth so nature disagrees (ironically I’m eating more and more vegetarian all the time but shhhh don’t tell KT and Diva that).

Now quit touching yourself since this is the furthest thing from erotica I can imagine, turn off your Hitachi, get dressed and go vote you fucking pervs.  You can tell me I’m an idiot later and before someone asks I do not believe wearing a properly concealed butt plug or insertable of choice to a polling place violates any laws excluding of course Virginia, Alabama and any place run by a man who dresses like Boss Hog.

“Am I a patriot or a pin head?” Neither  I’m an anarchist but getting a group of use to assemble is sort of like herding cats.

And now the requisite disclaimer: This is political satire if you don’t like it leave because despite our government’s best effort and yes it includes the Obama, Bush and Clinton administrations equally and several unions like um the UAE & SEIU. Free and disparate speech is still kind of protected by the constitution unless of course the above named duly (and I use the term duly very loosely in this scenario) elected officials disagree in which case it is no longer protected for the purposes of their political convenience and all future posts will be coming from Gitmo. Which still isn’t closed good job asshole wanna put on a flight suit and stand on an aircraft carrier like your predecessor since that worked out so well!  Either way in which case you’re pretty much fucked and might as well have bought swamp land in Arkansas with a Koran stuck up your ass and a questionable name a DCA TSA screening staff member couldn’t pronounce because you’re never going to be heard from again. For the last time Miss Mary Security Screener my name is Polish not Armenian!

I am an equal opportunity offender, all parties and public persons are fair game. Politics are a joke so take it as one! Nothing like rich men (and increasingly women) with ego’s the size of say Venezuela pretending like they give a fuck about the rest of us. It’s the adult equivalent of a whore you dated in college saying I love you and then hanging up the phone to be at the front of a ZBT train for a gang bang. (No offense to ZBT’s intended we all love a good gang bang now and then. Yes I changed the letters since last time as not to stereo type a single organization)

Am I a domestic terrorist? A humorous quest for personal truth

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Last time I checked I was still living in something that roughly resembles America albeit that is the case less and less everyday. Well except for the Government being representative of the people, the constant tinkering with broken tax codes to “even things out” (say it together folks SOCIALISM) and the executive branch deciding which company deserves to be saved like a wanton harlot sinner at southern tent revival meeting. Except she is quite content to to be a whore (General Motors and Chrysler) and sees nothing wrong with it ( AIG and Most of Wall Street) as long as you continue to give her money no matter if services were rendered or not.

Still as patriots and good god fearing people, unless like me you don’t believe in god, think modern justice is a twisted farce and know damn well that I am Santa Claus in my house, now bring on the woodland fairies so we can engage in a Meade fueled drunken orgy. No Pixies either? Fuck it. It sucks to be a disbeliever! How about some Vodka, and three Bi female swingers two of whom have rock’in implants? Damn right comrade I love America! However I digress, are we, or more specifically am I a threat to our (once) great nation.

Join me on my quest to find out if I in fact am an enemy of the state.

Lets start with this. A lovely report published with much ballyhoo and back lash before falling by the wayside for other blurbs about some necrophiliac rabbi and what certain senators may or may not have been aware of while dolling our hard earned tax dollars to AIG. The Report was issued by the great state of Misery.


As many of you know I’m not a fan of this flyover state…I find it well dull, uninspiring, backward, and overly and blatantly Midwestern. And I mean that in the least flattering way possible. (I can hear the other flat landers telling me to go back…gladly!)

You can read it if you like but essentially. Blah blah blah…Guns. Here’s an idea stop fucking people over and you won’t have to worry about their guns.

Blah Blah Blah something about a “New World Order”. Which even though I’m not a wrestling fan have in past years flipped through enough TV stations while sitting aimlessly in a hotel room to know that the New World order is just a bunch of guys in tights running around sweating and grunting while pretending to hurt each other. Its like a big gay spandex clad dungeon party except there aren’t any whips, testicle clamps or safe words, and there are more voyeurs than normal. Not my thing but apparently my state considers this a big deal. Afraid of juiced up guys in tights. Next thing you know they’re going to tell me the WWF has something to do with saving Bambie and not clubbing baby seals. Still I’m not big on grown men in tights unless…well actually there’s not an Unless. Mark this one off I might NOT be suspect here.

Blah Blah Blah…Supporters of Ron Paul. OK Republicans from Texas seem to be a big concern. After 8 years of Bush I get that one. Once again I’m actually safe.

Blah, Blah, Blah, Sons of Liberty…I’m not sure if I have any of their music but I have the Sisters of Mercy’s Greatest hits. Does that count? If so Sing this Corrosion to me!

Now lets see some of the things I probably am Guilty of

I’m opposed to Federal Income Tax…I’m opposed to most things I have no say in or control of that are forced upon me. Vegetables at dinner as a child for one. So check the list for that one. Guilty and damn proud of it. Some how I have the sad sorry and twisted idea that my job is to make money for myself and not to help out the rest of the fucking world and for the record mom technically watermelon is a fucking vegetable.

The report featured a lot of guys in Cammo. As a Kid I owned GI Joe Dolls and Cammo Pants Actually in my Junior year of college I had a room mate who had a fetish for ROTC Girls in BDU’s I’m not sure thats a damning fact but certainly is disturbing on so many levels that I’m bringing it up yet again nearly 20 years later.

Do I believe there is a master conspiracy…Hell no no one could fuck things up this bad intentionally. It was done by a bunch of self serving jack asses with different agenda’s. Its not a conspiracy its stupidity.

Do I believe in the economic collapse of the United States…Really you have to ask that? Have you seen the News in the last 10 Months. How about your 401k statement? Which reminds me I need to finish filling out my bailout request for the feds. I like to call it my Basic Income Growth Personal Emancipation Negative Income Support or B.I.G. P.E.N.I.S. Support plan to those in the know.

After all how would the world survive without another albatross proforma based use of tax payer money littered with obscene bonuses? It couldn’t then there would be nothing else on the news to be outraged about.

Lets take a closer look at how very dangerous any one of us might be.

Can you read? If so that in an of itself is a problem. Its too late to deny it since you’re looking at this part of the page and it doesn’t contain pictures and wasn’t created with crayons.

Speaking of Crayons. Did you ever Intentionally color outside of the lines. I did in kindergarten and it was a tale tale sign of my Anarchist Anti Establishment tendencies. Who’s have guessed that miserable fat bitch teacher would be right.

Do you actually have thoughts of your own? Your in really big trouble then. There is very little more dangerous than a person who thinks and forms their own opinions.

Have you even been in a chat room? Yes but there was no politics going on. Speaking of which just last week a woman sent me an unsolicited picture of herself tied naked to a rack and asked if I’d like to whip her. Adding her husband won’t mind since he’s a fan. Funny I didn’t know I had fans and it seems like an odd way to start a correspondence but it was in fact memorable. On Second thought its no more odd than asking strangers for money through the mail which happens everyday.

Sure there’s more reasons the Government might actually worry about me. I don’t think I ran right out and spent my stimulus check from George W at Wally World. I do crazy rebellious things like showing up to vote. I’m a registered member of a major political party. I’ve written checks to support candidates who I liked and agreed with (mostly on a state and local level). And tell every one that’s listen how screwed up everything is and we all need to get off there asses and fix it.

And that my friends is why I most likely would be considered and enemy of the state, because I’ve taken very real and definite actions to change the face of Government.

God Damn my unpatriotic ass for using their system against them!

Add all these things up and top it off with I had lunch with a Libertarian the other day and there is no doubt that my godless, sex, driven, capitalist, existence makes me the the only thing I ever could be…a menace to society.

Funny my high school guidance counselor called me a bull shit artist who was wasting his life and talents…maybe I should have gone into politics.

The Jack Ass convention I rock Ur Momma and Joe Bisexual's political platform in review

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This is political satire if you don’t like it leave because despite our governments best effort and yes it includes both the Bush and Clinton administrations equally. Free speech is still kind of protected by the constitution unless of course the above named duly (and I use the term duly very loosely in this scenario) elected officials disagree in which case it is no longer protected for the purposes of their political convenience. In that case you’re pretty much fucked and might as well have bought swamp land in Arkansas with a Koran stuck up you ass and a questionable name W’s TSA screening staff couldn’t pronounce because you’re never going to be heard from again. For the last time Miss Mary Security Screener my name is Polish not Armenian!

I am an equal opportunity offender all parties and persons are fair game. Politics are a joke so take it as one! Nothing like rich men with ego’s the size of say Venezuela pretending like they give a fuck about the rest of us. It’s the adult equivalent of a whore you dated in college saying I love you and then hanging up the phone to to be at the front of a TKE train. (No offense to TKE’s intended we all love a good gang bang now and then.)

Now on to the satire!

This week the top Jack Asses in the nation descended on the otherwise beautiful city of Denver Colorado to spew their self effacing vile political commentary in a desperate effort to appease the socialist nations of the world into once again liking us and taking our money and military support with a clean conscious. After all we all want to be like the French right? More on this later.

In the very beginning of the week I Rock Ur Momma announced in Ding field Ill a noise that he would continue to drive his platform of change in national politics into the collective consciousness of the lemmings who might vote for him on such a whimsical ideal of change. After all I’d like change! I’d like both political parties to stop wasting my money and fucking me in ass..financially of course with out the courtesy of lube, a reach around, or the first thought about the very fact that I might not like taking it up the ass to begin with.

So with such global political rock star status who would I Rock Ur Momma pick as his running mate to help change the political process? Bono ? Nah those two ego’s couldn’t co exist. Besides his views are far too liberal to be embraced bi the non tree hugging power base of the party. Well that and he’s not a citizen and he is a Christian which would be a message contrary to the “Islamic outreach” efforts I Rock Ur Momma’s campaign had been running.

Well with the only viable real rock start out of the picture, (although I’d vote for a ticket with Alice Cooper and Nikki Sixx on it; whiskey and heroin for every one). And despite the desperate out cries and mock political influence to pick his former pantsuit wearing competitor the reality is that if he picked the overly ambitious Billary Hinton he’d draw his last breath shortly after taking office faster than a pudgy little Jewish girl with a cigar in her kitty and spooge on her nice blue dress could disappear into oblivion.

It is quite a quandary as who could drive his platform of change. So why not pick a member of the established political machine as his “partner” in change. After all who better to work for change and innovative new ideas, reform. and all those other heady and nebulous campaign ideals like bringing power back to the people of this great nation than Joe Bisexual a long established card carrying member of the the political establishment.

Yes it would be a fabulous ticket of I Rock Ur Momma and Joe Bi Sexual from the great state of “you’d better beware”. He sports such wonderful accomplishments as lets see; he’s catholic so that makes him like Kennedy, He’s from Pennsylvania the spiritual home of mindless jack ass supporters for decades but so originally so am I.

As an aside once upon a time after the Catsup senator from Pennsylvania’s untimely demise and presumably before his widow started banging the metal tossing Senator from “Ass a chew this” I voted for Satan as a write in for a senatorial election, sadly I believe my vote was counted as a vote for Arlin Spector. My apologies to Beelzebub. Now back to the modern sodomy that is our political process.

Oh yes Joe Bi Sexual’s political accomplishments well he’s a six term senator so in short he’s managed to hold a job. That should count for something…I guess. He pretty much has a full head of hair at 65 a definite plus and has “ foreign relations experience”. To which I add oh yeah me too! I use to fuck and Italian girl six ways from Sunday, I did an Indian girl once to the Beastie Boys Rhymin and Stealin. Shamelessly cavorted doing all sorts of wild stuff with a series of girls from Toronto and St. Catherine’s Ontario. Does a three way with a girl from Kalamazoo and one from Mexico City count foreign relations? I like to think of it as Bi partisan international experience if you know what I mean.

Of course the jack asses trotted out to a standing and raucous ovation an aging peanut farmer from Georgia to celebrate the inflation rates, energy shortages and middle east crisis of the 1970′s. I don’t know about you but I can’t wait to bring back those good old days! Yeah 21% Mortgages and lines just like the commies. Heaven on Earth!

And then came Billary Hinton who has the audacity of having not given up hope. A fact she chronicles in her two latest books “ It takes a city to get these panties out of my enormous ass” and “My Philandering Husband, Cheap Hick Whores and Unattractive Offspring” (apologies to Chelsea on that. I know you didn’t pick your parents any more than those Bush Girls did).

She pretended to support I rock Ur Momma while praying for YHWH to smite her enemies. She is NY Jew right? No? She’s a frumpy girl from of all places Ill A Noise who became a baptist married to a pot smoking southerner but claimed a Jewish ancestor when running for office in NY. My bad!

In short this week’s political Olympics has never made me long more for in depth coverage of two guys from Toga and two guys from Burundi propelling a shuttle cock at each other at an increasingly faster and frenzied pace.

Do you think voting for a candidate, any candidate the French prefer and the EU is desperate for is the right thing to do? If so here’s a white flag and a big jar of lube you’re going to need it. Me I’ll be in, oh let’s say… Switzerland.

Join my next political satire during the other parties convention (I’m working on a clever name for them have no fear).